9.25.2012

he says to me

now you can breathe

sharp intake of the heady nostalgia

tinged so slightly with the most

chartreuse of reactions

face in his hand

his firm grasp on

the control

we both know

he possesses

over me

oh, my silent soliloquy of solitude

     a breath from your lungs

     a drink from your lips

     a dream from your sleepless nights

     to come in through the back door

     of your need

     for a hand

     in your hand

the ocean disappears

lost into the night as

a gaze unfurls

rolling down his nose

to land on my soul’s

receptors for connection

that connection

and I’m the captive

unsteady

audience

for this, his complete

conscious decision

to disregard the minute nuances

of my desire

to have him 

9.17.2012

I look for it everywhere, in everyone

exhausting my subconscious, looking for the spark

and as every soul comes in and out of my life

it seems a little more hopeless

there is a beauty in the sadness

pining for the unavailable

the unattainable

the invisible nonexistent ideal that my dreamers mind created

and if you’re a few degrees off course

is it enough to throw off the whole journey?

surely the entire expedition won’t be thwarted

by lovers’ good intentioned miscalculations

blame it on the stars, and their ever shifting reason for existence

their guidance changing on every whim of want

we’ll still make it there, there

to that place where enlightened minds go to make beautiful things 

won’t we?

three

1.

the fuck is the only thing

we’ve conquered

but, at least, we have that

it was easiest to meet on the common ground 

of our desire

than to take the time to find something

more profound

on which to build a foundation

just humans, 

doing what humans do

fucking for the sake 

of a fuck and hoping 

transcendental ecstasy happens as a result

and, where credit is due

it is without a doubt something euphoric

in it’s own sweaty slimy messy way

and I need it as much as I want it

only from you, i madly crave it

2.

but goddamnit if these pills aren’t already

meddling in my affairs of the chemical relationships in my veins

gushing through in bursts, telling me how to feel and what to think

and when its okay to speak, when its okay to want you 

once the new wears off, where will we be?

making music and meaningful memories in other ways,

I hope

3.

i’m a girl like every other, mind in the hypothetical

one foot in the glass slipper in the grave

with a stop or two at grand achievements, 

final destination includes

TheMeaningOfLife

dragged unwillingly though the darkest 

black tunnel labyrinth that is

TheFearOfTheEnd

how the hell did we get here? in this state of mind

I’ll blame it on the pills

radiation

my self loathing has a half life

radioactive poison decaying

leaking and seeping

out of every good intention

you can’t touch me or even get near me

for you run the risk of contamination

and all of my doubts and skepticism

will be yours to bear

dragging you to the depths

where nothing thrives or grows

cells mutate into this monster of

how you wish it could be

vague impressions of a better life

of a better way of living

barely scratch the surface of this

hazardous cavern of pity and hate

IT IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

ever. 

I am not what you want me to be

I never will be that

all efforts unnoticed under this protective suit you handle me with

all rigid plastic and dark glasses

double standards and misread messages

labels applies all wrong, upside down and backwards

hidden under forgetfulness and unrealistic ideals

perhaps its time for me to go

unraveled

how it feels to be unraveled

you pull on the threads that hold me together

all the shattered shards of my consciousness

dizzy from the spinning

gathering speed as you pull harder and I come apart

so vulnerable and terrified of your

hands and the way they cut through me like wire

baring everything in every dark secret place inside of me

you freak me out